To Ashwyn,
I’m pooped. I just wrapped up scripting my next video. I’m down two cups of black coffee and craving another one. So excuse the sloppy writing today. I’m just here to show up and write. I had high expectations talking about this topic because I wanted to do it justice but like the Rolling Stones once said ‘You can’t always get what you want.’
I wrote my first blog post on the 16th of February. I had quit by July 7th. What happened?
Well, a lot of things. Hitting burnout would be the primary reason. I had spread myself too thin by doing the writing, making creative posts, trying to market it, and running a Pinterest page that gained about 36k views a month.
I was writing to be read. That could be it as well. However, the reasons are not what I’m going to get into.
Here’s what I learned—
Lesson number 1: Self-discovery through failure
Following the burnout came an episode of dysthymia. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing that excited me, no sense of responsibility. Square one. A toddler mentally with no worries, no drive, just a sense of limbo?? Is that a word? I don’t know. Googling is off-limits.
However, once the dysthymia passed, being at square one was a blessing. The nothingness meant a clean slate now. I could intentionally pick out everything I needed in my life without a sense of judgment from others or myself.
And Bilbo Baggins was off on an adventure.
The possibilities were endless. I decided to start with what I’d always pushed under the rug, ran away from all my life— my emotions.
I was an emotionally neurotic kid that liked to think he was an objective thinker, that liked to reason. Where is all this neuroticism coming from?
If the underlying values and emotions aren’t in check, any sense of inconvenience used to turn into a raging war within me. So, no matter how much material success I gained, how many readers I had every month, if I couldn’t function as a normal unit, if the basic code had an auto-self-sabotage button, I’d always fail regardless of how much I would stack on top of the wobbly structure.
And that is where the journey began. It was the trip to Diagon Alley in Harry Potter where I had to buy the bare necessities to begin my journey at Hogwarts (The school where I had to figure myself out.)
And I’m glad to say that I’ve had the most stable year ever in my life— emotionally at least. I figured my underlying values, treated myself as a person I was responsible for helping and it worked its magic. (This was also the period that I had one of my worst episodes of dysthymia once again, but it was a test that I needed to gauge my proficiency at mindfulness and if I truly had figured out the values that guided me— my O.W.L’s examination basically.)
Lesson number 2: The Butterfly effect
I don’t remember the exact dates of when this happened but this reinforces my belief that the world is a truly insane, complex, and beautiful place.
I got acquainted with lots of amazing people during this time and one of them that also ran a blog was a friend of mine named Dheeraj. Great dude, runs a great blog. Check it out—
I don’t remember exactly what happened here but in some time I got in touch with Frank, Dheeraj’s elder brother.
Frank, a good friend of mine now, who also runs a blog, is the architect of a habit-building system known as Project 52. Check out his blog here—
Project 52 is the system that my life pretty much runs on now.
I used it as a framework to add the habits that needed adding in my life and helped subtract the negative ones that needed subtracting. It is a year-long experiment that has brought insane value into my life. It was one of the most important tools I picked up in Diagon alley from the shop of Ollivander — my wand.
All of this, because of one exchange with Dheeraj. Unintended consequences can sometimes be beautiful.
The point I’m trying to make here is, you never know what a small decision could bring into your life a few months, a few years into your life. So even if you fail at something or think nothing came of it, there always exists a silver lining — you never know what storm the flapping of a butterfly’s wings will bring.
I’m inspired and feel the need to write so much more as I reach the end of this writing session but I have a few errands to run now. Irony can be so painful.
There are a few more lessons that I have not completely wrapped my head around yet and am still trying to figure out the enigmatic implications they have on my life. I will write about them soon. To give you an inkling as to what they are (in case you forget, which you often do) — activation energy, start with why, and quantity over quality.
These will be going up on Instagram today. I’m a little nervous because I’m returning to the field of my biggest failure when it comes to writing, but there’s nothing to worry about because as I sit here, it’s just you and me. Signing off for now.
Truthfully you,
Ashwin.
Thanks for the shoutout bro, appreciate it!